Internet, we hear your concerns. You were saddened that we were skipping so many episodes, and you were in particular dismayed by our overlooking of craptastic early season 1 episode “Move Along Home.”
We are pleased/terrified to announce that we will be skipping no more episodes, as of now, and, in an act of sincere contrition, we offer you this full-length review of “Move Along Home” to make amends. Please enjoy, and appreciate the fact that we have effectively signed a two-year contract for this series of reviews.
Synopsis: Sisko is pacing about his quarters, admiring his dress uniform, humming “I feel pretty, oh so pretty,” under his breath. Jake enters and is all, “nice penguin suit, old man,” and tells him that he’s paying more attention to Bajoran fashion trends now that so many hot Bajoran girls are visiting the station.
Sisko is all, “we must have a father-son talk about this,” and Jake is all, “no thank you,” and Sisko is all, “but there are things you need to know,” and Jake is all, “I got it covered, Nog filled me in.”
I learned about the finer points of the birds and the bees from my friends and the internet, like every other red-blooded American 20-something, but even I think Sex Education With Nog sounds like a recipe for disaster, like, only marginally better than the curriculum in Texas. Have you SEEN the fruit they have in space? You’re NEVER going to be able to get a condom on that stuff.
In a relatively successful attempt to change the subject, Jake asks why his father is in dress uniform anyway. Sisko excitedly explains that the first delegation from the Gamma Quadrant is coming in, from a race of people called the Wadi (wa-DEE). Jake clearly believes himself to be safe from girl talk, but Sisko pulls off a very impressive segue in which he explains that diplomacy of first contact is like a first date, and one has to show respect, and…Major Kira interrupts on his comm badge before he can tell us if French kissing is acceptable at the end of a first contact or if that will make the Wadi think we’re easy. Kira says that the Wadi have just come through the wormhole, so Sisko tells Jake that he gets a reprieve until tomorrow and strides out to less choppy diplomatic waters. Continue reading