DS9 Season 2, Ep4: “Invasive Procedures”

Synopsis: We open with a Sisko voice-over explaining that they had to evacuate the station again because of violent plasma discharges in space, forcing them to keep things going with a skeleton crew. It must have seriously been a pain in the ass to evacuate everybody when they just got them back from being evacuated last week. Let’s hope Jake and Nog got to go to the same place this time.

In Ops, hell freezes over as Kira tells Sisko that she has to commend the Cardassians on their station design, as the plasma discharges aren’t effecting them very much. Jadzia says she has some escape vehicles ready to go just in case. Irishy and Odo are elsewhere on the station securing the airlocks when they find Quark sitting in the docking ring, apparently meditating. Odo is exasperated, because Quark is only still on the station because he refused to evacuate without his vast supply of latinum, and he was supposed to be confined to the bar.

Quark says that he’s here because he was saying goodbye to Rom, and Odo points out that Rom’s shuttle left three hours ago, and he somehow doubts that Quark was sitting out here pining away for his idiot brother. Quark protests that brothers have a very special relationship, asking Irishy if he has any brothers that he ever had to say goodbye to. Apparently Irishy has two, and he had to bid them so long when he joined Starfleet. Quark is all, “and didn’t that make you CRY and CRY?” and Irishy is all, “I guess?” and Quark is all, “I rest my case,” and they all leave the docking ring sighing at each other. As the door to the docking ring shuts, the camera zooms in on a mysterious blinking something that is almost definitely the real reason Quark was in there.

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DS9 Season 1 Ep8: “Dax”

Synopsis: We open on Sisko voicing-over that Irishy O’Brien had to take his shrewish wife back to earth to celebrate her mom’s 100th birthday, which I’m sure is going to be all kinds of wacky, but we’ll never know, because we’re staying on the station. We cut then to the station’s Holiday Inn Express Buffet, where Bashir stares at Jadzia longingly as she reviews The Federation Gal’s Guide to Antique Space Station Restoration: Cardassian Imperialist Edition over a raktajino.

Naw, I hear you baby, but can coffee
look at you with THESE EYES?

Everything is breaking now that Irishy is gone (typical), and, because she’s apparently the only science officer on the station, it’s Jadzia’s job to get everything spiffy again. She is more interested in her tech specs than in Bashir’s clumsy pickup attempts, and seems a million miles away, even when he says “I can think of better ways of keeping you up [at night], and they’d be more fun than Klingon coffee.” That is an actual thing that he actually said.

Meanwhile, a group of super-creepy-looking dudes are hanging out inside the walls, peeping at Jadzia through the grating. This is what long-time Trekkers like to call “a bad sign.” They look at each other all meaningfully, and confirm with one another that she’s Dax – they seem reeeeeeaaaally intent on making sure.

We guess it’s nighttime (?) because Bashir offers to escort Jadzia back to her quarters, presumably after running back to his place to get his walking stick and old-timey stick-on mustache. Actually, since it’s Bashir, he’d probably just figure out a way to stimulate the hair follicles on his upper lip, and while they grew super-fast he’d shape his mustache like a bonzai tree. He could package the method and market it as Dr. Julian’s Miraculous Ten-Minute Mustache: Being a Potent Unguent for the Smooth-Faced Gentleman Who Seeks Lavish Whiskers Without Stain or Injury to Skin In Order That He Might Favoraby Impress Members of the Fairer Sex, Be They Born of God’s Earth or of a Distant Star: Be The Envy of Every Rapscallion Upon Your New Worlde or Star Shippe! (Patent Pending)

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DS9 Season 1 Ep1: “Emissary”

Meredith’s Synopsis:

We open with some NexGen backstory, giving us a brief rundown on the Battle of Wolf 359 (the Pearl Harbor of the Star Trek universe) from the Best of Both Worlds two-parter. In case you didn’t know, this was an unprovoked attack by evil bio/robot hybrids the Borg, in a star system that was basically on Earth’s doorstep (Wolf 359 is a real-life star you can actually see, FYI, it’s about 7.8 lightyears away from us). Dapper Captain Jean-Luc Picard was assimilated by the Borg and mind controlled to lead the attack, and the Federation lost the shit out of the battle – the Borg eventually made it into Earth’s orbit, only one ship survived. Ultimately, even though it was forty Federation ships versus one Borg Cube, eleven thousand people were killed or assimilated by the Borg. Seriously, it was effing heavy shit.

This feels like a lot of background, I know, but you have to understand that the target audience had a PTSD seizure when they heard the name “Wolf 359.”

Now that we’ve established our setting, we find ourselves on board a ship where the orders are being given by an African-American First Officer so poised and well-spoken that he makes Morgan Freeman look like Marlon Wayans. The Commander does his best, but the whole audience knows he’s screwed, and as his ship starts to blow up, he makes sure his crew is getting to the escape pods, and then runs through the wreckage in search of his wife. He finds his motionless wife and son pinned under some beams, and while the boy is OK, his wife is dead. A crewman gets the Commander’s son, Jake, to safety, and then literally has to drag the Commander away from his wife’s body as he screams, “we can’t just leave her here!”

But they do, and, on the escape pod, the Commander holds his son’s hand and looks out the window at the exploding ship with the look of a man who is about to become a Batman.

You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become an Admiral

We are going to have some allegiance to justice and righting of wrongs up in this bitch for sure.

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